"I think it's probably a good thing to be considered stable, but with a capacity for madness." -Wayne Coyne
May 16, 2013
May 15, 2013
Man I look fantastic when I’m ovulating.
May 10, 2013
OH MY GOD I am crying
May 6, 2013
May 1, 2013
My roommate just walked in on me talking to my pizza. I don’t know if we can make eye contact again ever. This is my life now.
April 30, 2013
advertisement for a line of lingerie for men. DYING
April 9, 2013
the problem with long distance relationship texting
| BF: | Young lady blah blah blah blah |
| Me: | [DEFENSIVE STATEMENT IN ALL CAPS] |
| Me: | AND DON'T YOUNG LADY ME |
| Me: | I'M SO SASSY FEEL MY SASS AND INDIGNATION |
April 9, 2013
As a fourth generation donkey farmer, I’m pleased to announce the opening of our new organic farm, Ass to Mouth.
Here at Ass to Mouth we sell only the finest artisan donkey meat, because we know you wouldn’t want your children to put any meat in their mouths that you don’t trust. And Ass to Mouth thrives on trust.
April 7, 2013
"Always keep your dolphins sexually satisfied."
April 6, 2013
"It’s a good thing you’re my cousin.
Otherwise my sexual attraction to you would be really weird."
Otherwise my sexual attraction to you would be really weird."
March 26, 2013
Man I had this dream where I was having this fancy-ass luncheon with the Presidents family and two of my cousins. And I just roll up in that shit late and squeeze my chair next to the Prez. And the food was buffet style and I just kept dropping shit in front of Michelle, like a whole tureen of sauteed peppers and an entire fucking molten pizza the size of my fucking English mastiff and I was just like “sorry about the carpet, dogg” while I finished eating my kunefe.
March 22, 2013
Wading through mid-18th-century descriptions of North American plant biology…
“S” is written as “f” and this results in words like “feafon,” “ftamin,” “ftyle,” and “fummer.”
It’s like the beanstalk giant took up systematic botany in his later years.
February 11, 2013
"His dream job is to work maximizing profits for some company. It’s a weird thing to love."
January 6, 2013
| F: | I'm just going to warm my haunches for a bit. |
| W: | What are haunches? |
| F: | Like, the top part of your leg and thigh, where it connects to your hips. |
| W: | Oh, right. My cat has those. |
January 5, 2013
Started to cut up a pepper for Christmas dinner, before I realized it had some very strange markings… I decided not to eat any of the veggie dip, after all.
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Me posing with Australian ferns….
this one’s for you ferny!!
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When someone says the word: "Moist"
