Man I look fantastic when I’m ovulating.
OH MY GOD I am crying
My roommate just walked in on me talking to my pizza. I don’t know if we can make eye contact again ever. This is my life now.
advertisement for a line of lingerie for men. DYING
|BF:||Young lady blah blah blah blah|
|Me:||[DEFENSIVE STATEMENT IN ALL CAPS]|
|Me:||AND DON'T YOUNG LADY ME|
|Me:||I'M SO SASSY FEEL MY SASS AND INDIGNATION|
As a fourth generation donkey farmer, I’m pleased to announce the opening of our new organic farm, Ass to Mouth.
Here at Ass to Mouth we sell only the finest artisan donkey meat, because we know you wouldn’t want your children to put any meat in their mouths that you don’t trust. And Ass to Mouth thrives on trust.
Otherwise my sexual attraction to you would be really weird."
Man I had this dream where I was having this fancy-ass luncheon with the Presidents family and two of my cousins. And I just roll up in that shit late and squeeze my chair next to the Prez. And the food was buffet style and I just kept dropping shit in front of Michelle, like a whole tureen of sauteed peppers and an entire fucking molten pizza the size of my fucking English mastiff and I was just like “sorry about the carpet, dogg” while I finished eating my kunefe.
|F:||I'm just going to warm my haunches for a bit.|
|W:||What are haunches?|
|F:||Like, the top part of your leg and thigh, where it connects to your hips.|
|W:||Oh, right. My cat has those.|